Scene to Seen: a reflection mixtape

download (1)

Track 1 the Blue Nile.

I walked in so wet behind the ears I might as well have swam to the spot. I was utterly amazed though. It was like no where I had ever been. There were folks of all kinds and colors and shapes and they were all vibing. It was so different than the environment I had come from: competitive and hella superficial. This felt so much more real, so much more inviting. It was that inviting that got me twisted up. See I was all amped up to be part of this new thing that was making me feel so alive that I didn’t take the time to learn how to appropriately interact. I just took up space. Thirsty for the love and acceptance that seemed endless in this place I jumped on the mic like I knew anything at all about what this was, without understanding this was suppose to be a reciprocal relationship, you had to show respect, pay homage and, as I would learn later, do the knowledge. I just wanted others to feel about me the way I was feeling about them. I just wanted…

Track 2 being scene

I think I’m doing something special. Writing to be scene especially by the right people, people I see as being somewhere I’m trying to get to. I’m something like a parasite nourishing myself on this community and culture but giving nothing back. I’m doing shows and traveling and people are digging me so I must be doing something right, at least that’s what I tell myself as I fall asleep at night. There been some folks along the way (they know who they are) who peeped my game and let me know the business: they let me know I’m violating. I’m still thirsty though. Now, instead of feeling in awe I feel a sense of ego. I walk in open mics and love that people know me. I think I’m doing something cuz I say some shit at Voices Merging that can get a reaction and when the mic is over people ask about the cd and if I do such and such. It’s still, in the end, about me. I feel good that certain people know my name, like that has anything at all to do with my worth. I get salty when I’m not invited to shows and some of those people are. I’m a hater, no doubt about it, I’m no longer in awe or inspired, it’s full blown jealousy. Instead of being at peace and closer to God I feel the same type of competition I was so desperately trying to escape.

Track 3 mirrors

I don’t know when exactly it happened but it did. I hate what I’m writing. In fact it feels like a chore. All I think about is how this line will go over and if such and such university will get back to me and how much they will pay. I haven’t been to the Nile in a minute. I feel spread thin. What used to feed my soul, at least I thought was feeding it, was now causing me hella stress. How’d it get like this? I thought about a certain interaction and decision an artist I really respect had made regarding our relationship and I finally understood it. That is to say I finally saw the truth in what she saw. I didn’t like what I had become. I had good intentions but regardless I saw something beautiful and in true white-boy American fashion I took what I needed while fronting on the give back. I violated straight up and down. I loved community only as much as they could validate me. I was still empty, spitting poems about living some real shit while faking the funk in my life off stage. I cried differently that night.

Track 4 being seen

I’m trying to be more honest. I know I’m part of creation and the creator and so I create. For me that means I write a lot. Sometimes that comes out as poems sometimes as other shit. I don’t know if I’m an artist because I’m still figuring out what it means to be one, but I think it starts with telling the truth about myself. I love this community and am learning how to be a member of it. I owe so much to it. So many people had so much patience with me. So many people dropped little pieces of knowledge that I realize now were like life boats on the Titanic. I know that I am lucky to have grown up in such a loving and forgiving community as this. I still care too much about how what I produce will be received but I’m working on that. I see, and interact with, a lot of the people that first drew me to this community and I wonder if they know how deeply they have effected me. I wonder if they know how grateful I am they created the spaces for me to find myself and to be seen.

Advertisements

One thought on “Scene to Seen: a reflection mixtape

  1. brotherman quick reaction at work here before i serve industrail porkchops for 42 nice work honest hey don’t be too hard on self as we all do this shit we all hungry for the attention we never got frozen needs in present time stratosphere a hard mix let me tell you i feel your heart integrity art presence in short the god in you its beautiful and healing we are all that we aint even got to do a thing but stay in tune so bro please continue to grab the mile reach and preach we are all spiritual beings progressing in a huge planetary pysch unit prayer unlocks the locked unit word much loeve and respect uncle b Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 14:48:52 +0000 To: axelrod_1@hotmail.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s